Danger From the Deep
First rant on the books is kind of a safe one, my gripe is with no one in particular or even with a systemic issue. It’s about shark week publicity and the fact that people have the wrong fears when considering the dangers of the deep. I realize there are some people who have experienced shark attacks, and “Jaws” traumatized a generation, but we also have to consider that we are the unwelcome intruders. I enjoy the ocean, swimming in it, surfing in it, sailing, watching it as the sunset glimmers off the waves. But there is one terrifying truth about the ocean that I believe is greatly overlooked because the public is too blinded by their infatuation with sharks as the apex predator of the sea.
Cephalopods, they are the true threat to any ocean frolicer’s mortal well being. Typically when I broach this argument I’m dismissed, “that’s just an irrational fear,” they say. “A squishy little octopus can’t possibly harm a full grown person,” but what they don’t know what I know. That the largest giant pacific octopus with a tentacle-span exceeding 30 feet, was found off the coast of Santa Barbara. Now I’m no old-timey sailor, but I recognize the spawn of the Kraken when I see it, and that’s only the largest one that on record so far.
Let me ask you this, how many mythological leviathans are based off of sharks compared to our suction cup-clad friends. Yea, you can’t think of any ship sinking shark monsters aside from Jaws, and science had proven him to be animatronic. Cephalopods on the other hand are gods-damn terrifying, haunting the mythology of numerous seafaring cultures from Greek to Scandinavian to Hawaiian. They have inspired the art and mythos of H.P. Lovecraft, his predecessors, and hentai animators as a harbinger of evil, chaos, and the end of days.
As a formative child, I saw an “After Humans” documentary where all the dominant land species began to take the form of cephalopods. Thus my biggest seemingly “irrational” fear was born; a sentient giant pacific octopus. Once they realize they’re evolutionarily superior, it is only a matter of time before they mount a guerrilla style attack on the human race.
We get an annual reminder of how scary sharks can be by networks that have since run out of original program ideas. The scariest sharks only hang out in the photic and epipelagic zones, which are the relatively shallow levels compared to the true depth of the open ocean. Though this is also the area most frequently visited by humans, I can’t quite qualify sharks as apex predators if they’re only in a fraction of the pool. Rather, they are the best players in the minor league. Put them up against the true monsters of the mesopelagic and below, and find that sharks have merely adapted to avoid those neighborhoods at all costs.
But why? What makes them so special, or dangerous, or threatening? What can they do that makes them so superior to sharks. Buckle up as we go over a quick summation of all the things that make cephalopods nightmarish figures of the deep. For one, they are slippery little buggers, capable of squeezing through the smallest crevasses and surviving out of water for a lot longer than would make you comfortable. Any opening big enough for their beak is big enough for them to Shawshank out of their enclosure and slink through pipes like Andy Dufresne. Secondly, camouflage. Cephalopods can change their color to hide in plain sight. Octopuses can even change their texture and shape to match virtually any surrounding like Predator from the Predator movies, or Gary Oldman in anything. They attack like a bouquet of anacondas covered in suction cups connected by a parachute of webbing. If they don’t swaddle you to a watery grave, they still have a gnashing beak that can strip flesh off a skeleton like a parrot eating papaya.
But ultimately it’s their cleverness that keeps me up at night; they learn from watching each other, can solve complicated puzzles, keep track of sequenced events, and again, COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER. Yes, some squid and cuttlefish have been known to “talk” to each other through patterned pigment changes and detailed body language. Some male cuttlefish are so cheeky that they’ll pretend to be a female just to avoid a fight with another male, then sneak spawn behind their back.
Next time you order some calamari, consider it one more victory for humans over the ever-looming threat. Or if you go to the beach and someone brings up their shark-phobia because they saw a NatGeo special on great whites, you can tell them that sharks are truly nothing to fear… compared to the aliens lurking on the ocean floor. The are capable, they are keen, and they are spiteful; never turn your back on a cephalopod or you else you might never see it coming.
