Hungry For Hippo
Full disclosure, I couldn’t sleep so I’m writing this at 5 o’clock in the morning, and I’m fully aware of how bat-shit insane it sounds. With that said, lately I been getting a flood of useless thoughts while trying to fall asleep, this has been the number one more prevailing thought. I think I need help.
Anyway, I was scrolling through Reddit and happened upon a story that detailed a series of events that led to the proliferation of invasive hippos in Colombia. Long story short, Pablo Escobar had a private zoo that featured a variety of imported African megafauna (i.e. big ass animals). When he died, the authorities relocated nearly all of the displaced animals except the four hippos who seemingly thrived in the Colombian waterways. The plucky hippo colony, left unattended for a few decades, grew from four to nearly 50 hippos. Already a WTF story to start with: sleep deprivation, drug lords, excotic animals.
But wait, not only are invasive species dangerous for the delicate Colombian ecosystem, but hippos are multi-ton murder machines. They have the highest human fatality rate of any wild animal and can gallop along the river bottom with the speed and grace of a clydesdale. So now Colombia’s got a hippo problem, and an “infatuation with hippos” problem. The locals love their new aqua-equitine mascots and, blinded by their love, banned hippo hunting along with any other means of population control. With no natural predators, the population went skyrocketing.
My initial response to this article was 1) those hippos are living their best lives and I want to see each and every one of them succeed. Followed by 2) what would hippo bacon tastes like?
I’m guessing it would still be fatty and marbled like typical pork belly, but how much more gamey would it taste, would it already taste pre-salted, and how big of a slab could you smoke at a time? When I expressed this curiosity to friends and family, I was met with, “are you fucking serious? That sounds disgusting!” But I feel like I’m asking reasonable questions given the scenario; a community, through bizarre circumstance, discovered a novel resource that happens to thrive in the environment. The next obvious line of reasoning is how to take advantage of the novelty. How could they possibly manage and harvest this new resource for the benefit of the community, ecosystem, and wellbeing of the hippo population as a whole? Thus my obsession with hippo bacon.
However, I’m not the only person in history to be captivated by the thought of sweet, hungry hippo meat. In 1910 a Louisiana congressman Robert F. Broussard attempted to introduce the “American Hippo Bill” to the House of Representatives; proposing an federal allocation of $250,000 to import hippos from Africa to the marshes of Louisiana as a new ranching livestock in attempt to solve the American meat shortage and manage invasive plants that were blocking waterways. However, Broussard’s and my dreams of Cajun style hippo chops will never be actualized because the bill did not come to pass. Now I’m haunted by the culinary and cultural potential of an alternate American history rooted in generations of hippo farmers.
Now hold onto your belts because here’s the twisty thoughts that keep me up at night. Would hippo bacon be kosher or not? Would it be unkosher for the same reasons bacon is unkosher or would it fall under a whole different set of halal jurisdiction, Judaism isn’t as popular in Africa as Islam, maybe there is already a ruling? Would it get a pass since it technically isn’t pork? There’s got to be a lot of respect in hippo ranching, I already have the utmost admiration for those anonymous brave men and women on the front lines keeping their families safe from hippos on a regular basis.
In conclusion, hippo bacon would stimulate the economy, feed the public, help manage an invasive species in a delicate ecosystem, give way to a new generation of swamp cowboys, allow Jews the opportunity to add new meat to the kosher list, and contribute to a whole new culinary niche. The possibilities are endless.
https://www.thevintagenews.com/2018/06/21/hippos-saved-america/
